fingerprints, lemons and the unknown

rambles and rambles on topics involving the new year

The new year always brings around nostalgia and somewhat melancholy. I find myself thinking back to very prominent areas of my life, either in hate or happiness and though I would never change the things I have experienced, the feeling I get when I have the memory grow in my chest reminds me of how lemons tingle your tongue. That tingly taste that makes you wince, and then it’s gone.

A lemon tree grows in my garden this year, and I hope it bears fruit - I have grown fond of the taste.

That lemon tree grows with the love I have beside me - in the backyard of this new house we live in. It is no longer just mine; the bed I slept in all my life is no longer ‘mine’, bowls that only knew my fingertips now know his, and the feeling I get when I drive home is one of contentment and not sadness.

How strange how quickly things can change.

This new year has made me think about what last year gave me - those rotten fruits. I did think of a past flame, but it didn’t sit for long. It’s like walking past someone you used to know; you don’t stop to talk, but you do wonder how they are doing.

It’s embarrassing to admit that. A taboo feeling, one that should never be discussed, but how else do you get past something? You will always have that small hole full of memories of someone: a friend, a lover, a parent. We walk through the unknown with these memories knitted into our fingerprints so that everything we touch has pieces of everyone. The only reason I know how to play Magic: The Gathering is because my ex taught me, and now that is a very common card game in my and my boyfriend’s home.

We are made up of all these memories and feelings, and we shouldn’t shun away the things we have felt for others because that diminishes the human experience, at least to some extent. I wouldn’t wish away what I went through with an ex because then I would have never learnt what I needed to fix within myself and the situation around me - I never would have found the love I have now. I am embarrassed at how I felt back then because it was ridiculous that I was hanging on the thread of every message, but without that, I would have never learnt about my attachment issues and gone on the journey to fix them.

I feel like I am just rambling at this moment, but the human experience is about feeling and keeping parts of people with you as you walk through life. People will say, ‘I’m my mother’s daughter’ or vice versa, but honestly! We carry pieces of EVERYONE in us. The start of the new year always makes me realise this, and yet I still feel like if I mention, “Oh, I still think about so and so from time to time”, I get the most judgmental eyes, but why? Shouldn’t we express these things that once held such a large part of our lives? Why are we trying to hide these parts of ourselves? What will it achieve in the long run? I want to feel things, I want to know I lived a life that was full of experiences, even if some of them were just I thought — but it was actually —

Grow plants in your garden that hold the memories, so when you’re old, and you are looking back, you have a garden to walk through, yes, there may be thorns, but god think of the beautiful flowers and trees.

I don’t have any amazing ending to this because I am still young, and I have the world at my fingertips and memories to make, so I don’t know. Go into this new year with the hope of feeling more. Go into this new year wanting to live and be.